• Retirement Planning
  • Useful guidance
  • Investing Wisely
  • How much should I invest
  • Keeping costs low
  • Retirement Income Basics


• IRA Help Center
  • Why are tax-deferred savings a big deal?
  • Traditional and Roth IRA
  • Rollover IRA
  • 10 Reasons to Consolidate


• Helpful Articles on Retirement
  • About Stan Hinden
  • What Happened To My COLA?
  • A Time for Savings
  • Modernizing Medigap Insurance
  • Knowledge is Power
  • The $1.5 Trillion Solution
  • Living on Less
  • My Crystal Ball
  • The Perfect Retiree
  • Live and Learn
  • Don't Lose Your Good Health
  • Do Women Make Better Retirees than Men?
  • The Ties that Bind
  • Downsizing Your Life
  • Why Boomers Can't Retire
  • Everybody Needs a Bridge
  • Prepare, Prepare, Prepare!
  • Here Come The Boomers!
  • Getting to Know Each Other

By Stan Hinden | September 2008

Not long ago, I was invited to speak to a group of reporters who cover retirement news for media organizations around the country. During their week-long conference, the journalists heard from dozens of experts on various aspects of retirement.

As luck would have it, I was the last speaker on the last day of the conference — not usually the best time slot. But my younger colleagues paid close attention to my remarks and asked numerous questions.

As I was collecting my notes and preparing to leave, one of the reporters approached me and said, "Stan, I really enjoyed your speech. Of all the people who talked to us about retirement this week, you were the only person who was actually retired." I've always remembered that remark because it affirmed my belief that best way to understand any aspect of life is through first-hand experience.

This is especially true of retirement — a stage of life that is rarely understood until you're actually in it.

Indeed, I have found that one of the unexpected features of retirement is the way in which retirees often develop new and stronger relationships with members of their family and particularly with their grown children.

I realize, of course, that many retirees do not have children or, for one reason or another, are not in contact with their children.

But for those of us who are fortunate enough to have children and to be in touch with them, it is important that we understand what it takes to make those relationships work.

So I have created a couple of "Do" lists for retirees and their children to help them maintain and even improve their family ties.

For Children of Retirees:

• Do remember that growing older can be a scary time of life for your parents. We may seem active and even energetic. But many of us suffer from persistent ailments like arthritis, heart problems, diabetes and even impaired vision. While most of us are determined to maintain our independence as long as possible, we can hear those bells tolling in the distance.

• Do remember that old age can be a very lonely time — especially if one member of a couple has died, leaving the other to cope with the trauma of being alone. This happens with some frequency in the retirement community in which I live. But I have noticed how often children who have lost a parent begin to shower increased attention on their remaining parent.

• Do remember that as your parents, we think of you as the persons we can rely on in times of physical, social or financial distress. When times get tough, our casual friends and acquaintances may vanish from our lives. But we believe that our children will be there for us when we need them.

For Retired Parents:

• Do remember that your children have their own lives. If they are married and both spouses are working, their lives are sure to be busy. And if they have children — your grandchildren — they'll be even busier. As grandparents, what you want, of course, is to be able to spend as much time as possible with your children and grandchildren. It's an ongoing challenge to make regular visiting arrangements without unduly interfering in your children's personal lives. But, with patience and persistence, family closeness can be maintained.

• Do remember that if you become seriously ill or die, your children may need to know a lot about your personal affairs and may need access to many of your personal documents. So, talk to your children about your wills, trusts, investments, insurance, powers of attorney and the properties you own. If your children don't like the arrangements you've made, it is better to find out now.

  These kinds of discussions can help cement the feeling of trust between you and your children — an important ingredient in a close relationship. Also, keep your legal documents up to date. And make sure your children can easily find your important papers if necessary.

Parents and children who follow the suggestions on these "Do" lists, I believe, will stand a good chance of strengthening the ties that bind their generations to each other.

As we all know, the relationship between parents and children is a highly complex matter, which evolves over years under circumstances ranging from very good to very bad. At any given time, family ties are a work in progress.

From where I sit in my retirement community, however, I have noticed these trends:

• As parents age, their children seem to spend more time with them, as though they sense that they need to make the most of the years their parents have left.
• When parents lose some of their independence — especially if they can no longer drive — they often turn to their children for help. It may involve getting to a doctor's office, shopping or doing household chores. Usually, that help can be arranged if the children live nearby. However, if they live far away, the parents will need to find other ways to get help.

While I am the first to acknowledge that retirement has many attractive features — especially the freedom to set your own agenda — I am also the first to admit that retirement can have a downside — especially when a retiree's health is threatened. For the children, that's when the alarm bells should go off.

I've heard those bells. I can remember the challenge of spending eight years attending to an aging parent who resided in a nursing home. My challenge was to never let myself grow weary of the effort but to depend on love and compassion to renew my strength and resolve.

My experience was not unique. On any given day, millions of Americans — mostly women — serve as caregivers to relatives and friends, often under even more trying circumstances.

I hope I never find myself in a situation where I need that kind of care. But if I do, I pray my children will be guided by a similar sense of devotion.

Copyright 2008, Stan Hinden. All rights reserved. Reprint permission required.

The author was compensated for writing this article by AARP Financial.